biarritz

i love it here. must i go home?! just yesterday morning, i was surfing alone for 45 minutes...the entire beach to myself. the sky was pink, and in between sets the water became so calm it looked like a psychadelic shampoo, a viscous purple and pink mixture flowing past my arms as i paddled. it was amazing, like a dream come true. that would never happen in the states.

i have been here for the week, with another couple days to go. my studio is very cute. it already feels like home, tucked away in the middle of town and very convenient to everything. yesterday i rode bikes with jen and randy to bayonne, a larger town with a heavy basque influence. very, very french. biarritz is more regal and elegant, having been designed to impress the queen and napoleon.

the internet cafe is shutting down, so i must go!

bonjour!!!

ok...i do not have much time to write (and this keyboard is JACKED)...so quickly:

france rules. i am having a blast. it has been a whirlwind, as this is the first chance i have had to get online in a week. but the wedding and all the festivities leading up to the celebration have been absolutely amazing. a bachelorette party, i.e., pole-dancing, in cannes and bungee jumping in the alps!!! .yes, i jumped!!! magnificent, yet horrifying experience. the wedding itself was unreal.

off to aix-en-provence today, so must motor. a bientot!!!

maybe this one will go a little more...smoothly???

i am all packed and ready for france. woohoo!!! my flight leaves tomorrow morning. finally. vacation.

but of course, there were glitches. there are ALWAYS glitches in my travels, as many of you know.

#1: the cold. i went for a (rather messy) ride saturday morning. i missed the "window" and ended up with heat exhaustion, e.g., chills, clammy body parts, dehydration, nausea. i made it back to my car. wiped. then i watched my nephew play football for a couple hours in a mere 105 F. then i hung out in the sister's backyard. by 5pm, i was WAY wiped. i took a shower, got ready to chill on the sofa and eat a meal...and then i felt that weird, constricting feeling in my throat. that twitch. damn it! i got nailed. within 24 hours, i had the chills, hot flashes, sore muscles, a stuffy head...had to leave work early on monday and sleep all afternoon. however, today i have felt much better. i think i nailed it. (i am all over the neti pot.) the true test will come when i wake up in the morning.

#2: the burn. Mini's tailpipe burned the crap out of my leg! it's a nasty burn. i bought neosporin for it. i hope i don't end up in a french hospital.

#3: i have to pay my water bill within two weeks or i go to collections. the catch: i have no clue what my account number is because i never got the first bill for the condo...and all my mail is being flown all over the world, as far as i know. so i cannot pay online. and of course, the customer service phone line was busy for two days straight, which has never happened. fortunately, i called the emergency number and the dude got me through in the knick of time. check one.

#4: i found my DREAM JOB at the epa...right before i take off. the closing date is tonight at 11:59 pm. they could call at any time beginning tomorrow. i rented a global phone, just in case. but what if they want me to go to denver for an interview? that could be one expensive flight.

also, heads up! check the nanosolar.com website on 9/9. they are redesigning the thing with "significant news." i wonder?

couch-surfing

i bid farewell to the condo. i just let it go. the moment i decided to walk, i felt better. without a doubt, i made the right decision.

the condo will now go into foreclosure. makes me wonder if the bank thinks it can get more money from auction? i will never know. DONE. move along...

i moved all of my belongings into a storage space this past weekend...and into my sister's home in carefree...and miscellaneous items are located at that same sister's condo in the city, and the other sister's home in scottsdale...it's all over phoenix. i am all over phoenix. literally. OVER phoenix.

i leave for france next wednesday. until then, i am moving from one couch to daybed to futon...to another couch/daybed/futon. i carry my sleeping bag, suitcase, work clothes (on hangers), gym bag, wetsuit, laptop, and bike in/on my car. my sisters have been kind enough to let me use their laundry machines...that was getting a little out of control. my wallet is overflowing with receipts because i eat out EVERY day (and have been since i gave up the fridge over a month ago). the mail is, once again, on vacation hold. for a month. in some ways, this is fun. it is requiring a lot of organization, but there is not a dull moment.

i am curious to see what happens when i return from france. who knows? i may not even come back!

the gypsy blood

that's what my sister calls it...'the gypsy blood.' we have it, in a philosophical sense. we like to move around, live in new places, and have the ability to up and go at a moment's notice with little attachment to our current locale. that's just the way it is. and yet, we retain roots in washington. for her, gig harbor. for me, seattle. that city will always be my "home." i often crave its coffee culture, its endless waterways, its eclectic neighborhoods, its accessible and diverse nightlife and music scene, its fantastic public transportation system, its style and bumper stickers...its access to the outdoors! i even miss the rain and the occasional freezing, crisp mornings when the blades of grass are shimmering in the sunshine. the city is magical. moving back should be a brainless decision. but then, there is a glitch. i have fallen in love with colorado for an endless number of reasons. interestingly, since moving to phoenix, i have learned that i do not miss the water so much. i prefer the mountains and yes, even the dry desert landscape. i love the smells of the earth and the wild weather. but phoenix is not for me. and yet i am glad i came here, for at least a little while. i learned a lot. i especially love that my family is here, but that is ALL that is here. another move is in order. (come on, would you really expect anything else from me?! that damn gypsy blood... :)

why am i talking crazy like this? this situation with the condo, which is still ongoing, has got me thinking about a lot about things. i have many theories, one of them being, if you are meant to have something, it will come to you. another, obstacles are a way to make you think hard about what you really want. needless to say, trying to buy this condo has presented one obstacle after another. it has been an emotional roller coaster. it has beat me down. and most importantly, it has forced me to think...probably for the first time since i moved to phoenix. a few things i have realized:

• i am comparing myself to others. i see friends who own homes, are fully established in their careers, are married, are having kids...and i actually began to feel like i had to go that route, or "keep up." but that's not ME. at least not now. i need to do my own thing, follow MY heart. and look what i get: i am living some great adventures, have the freedom to pick up and leave the country for a month without answering to anyone, to drop a job when i feel unchallenged and not have to worry about paying a mortgage, to try ANOTHER career, to move to ANOTHER city...i get to be that free spirit, gather contrast, break all the rules...just be unconventional, at times impulsive and erratic! no pressure to please anyone.
  
• and that being said, things change, including your friends. sometimes you just need to let go of certain people, especially those who fear your decisions. people enter your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. and all serve their purpose perfectly.
  
• the universe really does steer you right, often in mysterious ways. since moving to phoenix, nothing has been easy. i only realized yesterday, as i was riding my bike through sedona (did i pass through an energy vortex?! :), i have been unsettled since i crossed that california-arizona border back in december 2008. every aspect of my life in phoenix, with the exception of family, has been a challenge. none of it has felt right. that says something to me.

i decided to shake up the energy of the universe this morning. i applied for a couple jobs, one in denver, one in seattle. we'll see what happens...but i am not fighting any longer.

chillax

i've been so caught up with the condo movement (or lack thereof) lately that i feel like the rest of my life is passing me by unnoticed, which is unfortunate because there are so many other good, less stressful things to focus on. first of all, france is right around the corner. i leave in three weeks! i need to a swimsuit. that's all. no shots this time around, thank the big cosmic G! i like my new gym, and pay more than $100 LESS than the last gym...even though i have to bring my own towels. the little bugs in "my" kitchen are gone (but then, so is Slick, which i am very sad about). i fit into my favorite jeans once again! i have a job. i didn't get a flat tire all weekend, despite all the pointy rocks on the trail. my car is shiny...and no tickets lately. :) my family rocks...and is very generous with the use of its appliances while i have none. i have water and ac and internet. i have an address (well, an illegal one, but an address nonetheless) and a mailbox key. and no nasty gram from my prior landlord threatening a lawsuit for breaking the [nonexistent, i maintain] lease! and tomorrow, i get to model indoor vapor intrusion into a local warehouse...so freakin cool. off to slumber.

slick and the squatter

someone once said to me, 'it's a recession if someone you know loses his job, it's a depression if you lose your job.' so, what is it if you've stooped to squatting in a condo you'd like to buy? my life in a nutshell. still, no appliances, living out of boxes, mail going to the ghetto post office (which i will only go to once a week because the place is, like i said, GHETTO)...but i am getting used to this state of limbo. good or bad? i have also vowed not to put another penny into the place until it belongs to me. therefore, i will continue to listen to the annoying beeps from the fire alarm, alerting me the battery is almost out of juice, rather than put out a few bucks for a new battery. i will continue to take 'low level' baths, rather than showers, to prevent water from entering cracks in the tile and fixtures that need to be caulked. i will also stumble through the carport at night, in the dark, rather than buying new lightbulbs for the lighting fixtures. bruises abound.

really, though...how much longer can this go on?! i want a punching bag. and a mini fridge.

i simply feel defeated. sigh.

but at least i have a roommate. his name is Slick. he's a baby gecko, and he likes to run all over the place. he even greeted me when i got home last night. the place feels a little cozier with him around.

my personal cartoon

my aunt told me to look at this home-buying experience like it's a cartoon. no kidding. i signed papers yesterday, but no money exchanged hands...BECAUSE NOBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH I OWE. say what? no, seriously...the realtor/lender/bank are at battle. some idiot at the bank closed the file on friday, and now his managers are playing damage control. the bank also decided NOW that they only want to pay 3% for closing costs, not 5% as originally promised. (is that legal?) further, the bank wants me to cough up the last 7 months' worth of HOA backpayments...even though i am not the owner. now, how does that work? AND they want me to pay a lien on the property for a roof assessment that was due 5/1/09...again, not the owner! amazing.

now my question is, this bank has a property just sitting there, about to go into foreclosure...and then i come along and want to buy it (after it sat on the market for eight months without a single offer). why is the bank resisting this sale so much? sniff sniff. is that...greed? could come back to bite them in the ass because i am being worn down and if they don't budge soon, i am walking. detachment is bliss. :)

so, regardless, i am sleeping there tonight since i have to pass over my keys to the apartment this afternoon. i pushed the appliance delivery to next week. (a week without a fridge...i am going to have to dig deep to remember my experiences in spain.) my belongings will remain in boxes until the sale is final. i will continue to sleep on my mattress pad. my mail is on vacation hold since i have no idea where to send it. i am having internet turned on tomorrow...for fun.

i am going to implode

again...hiccups. the docs are still being prepared. they should have been at title yesterday. the bank deadline is on thursday. the condo is sterile. the carpet was professionally cleaned. the kitchen has been painted and the grout cleaned (by the AWESOME "three bees," including my nephew who rocks the magic marker). the electric is on, in my name. appliances come in on saturday (already post-poned the date THREE times). i am being kicked out of my current pad on thursday. electric goes off there on thursday and the carpet will be cleaned...tomorrow? the internet gets transferred on thursday. i still need to submit a change-of-address form. do i get a post office box? i am living in limbo. again. i hate this.

my clean weekend

i spent this past weekend cleaning the new condo. it was ok, except for the kitchen...gross gross gross! next time i will pay someone to clean the kitchen for me. the downstairs took THREE mop jobs. i actually got blisters from mopping. in the end, everything was spic and span. the carpets, however, had to wait. the electric was not turned on, so i could not vacuum or shampoo the second floor. the BEST part of having no electric (in phoenix, no less): no AC!!! talk about misery.

here are a few "before" pics...


this is a shot of the UGLIEST fireplace i have ever seen. i already planned a demolition weekend. word on the street is this monstrosity covers up a "zen like" marble masterpiece. what was the previous owner thinking?! my realtor said she was dating a guy (a contractor) who was trying to woo her with this thing. i would have dumped him. the french doors, 14' ceiling, tile flooring (keeps things cool), and natural light sold me, however. also notice the mop. i believe you will see my blood on that thing if you look closely enough, stupid cleaning device. and get this: in those boxes back there, in the corner, is my first dining room table EVER! so excited.


next up is a shot of the stairway. i LOVE the open riser stairs. it makes the place feel really spacious, especially when you walk in the front door, and it's all kinda 80s (and we all know how i love the 80s!). eventually i am going to strip the carpet and cover the stairs with dark wood. same goes with the entire upstairs.

there is a half-bath and coat closet to the left of the front door there. the half-bath is slated to be the "goth" bathroom. :)

here are a few quick shots of the upstairs, namely the master (a "loft") and guest bedrooms, each of which has a door that leads out onto a small deck where i can drink my peet's and eat my prunes in the hot morning sun...

note: the ugly fan is out. and yes, the walls are pink. painting is on the list. the master bath is in great condition, fortunately.

now i am apologizing. we are about to enter the kitchen area...ack!


this is where most of my weekend was spent. the condo does not come with appliances. what you see are pieces of crap that do not work. i am shocked they had the oven plugged in because it is a major fire hazard. this dishwasher is a prop; it is not connected. there is water damage under the sink due to an issue with the last installed dishwasher (i presume), but that is the only thing wrong with the condo, so not a big deal. i will learn something. the cabinets are pretty standard, but in good shape. the walls need painting; there are permanent grease/food marks surrounding the oven area. countertops are "granite look." whatever. they're in good shape. the door leads to the 2-car carport (which i eventually want to turn into a garage, if the HOA will let me).

ok, time for the real nasties! ooh...ahh...

and my reaction...

rubber gloves on. and the after shots, brought to you by the domestic UNgoddess!

to be continued...

commitment...but not really

i am looking at my last posting and have to laugh...was it really march 31 when i made the offer on the condo?! well, i got it, after a FOUR MONTH struggle, but then i am typically drawn to a good challenge (check out the men i've dated. :). i officially sign papers this friday. however, it's a "sure thing" according to all parties involved (including the lender), so i already have the keys, am in the process of cleaning the place, ordered the energy star appliances (using my new home depot credit card :), bought my CFLs, bought a dining room table, etc...ah, the joys of homeownership.

now, you may be wondering why this process took so long! for starters, the condo is a short sale, and the realtor warned me right off the bat that this was going to take a while. turns out the "counter" process did not take much time at all...my offer was pretty much in line with what the bank was hoping for. the beast was securing the loan! i applied for a 5% down conventional. my prequal reflected that, everything seemed peachy, blah blah blah. when the time came to actually apply for the loan, Fannie and Freddie decided to require a minimum 10% downpayment for condos in "declining markets." phoenix is there. huh?! i could swing that, but i would not be left with enough to do the fun home improvement projects i was so looking forward to. also, in the process of calling lenders, i learned that a number of them required even MORE than 10% down in maricopa county (wells fargo wanted 35%!!!). this all led my very creative realtor to move in another direction. she decided to get the condo "spot approved," or rather, since the complex is not fha-approved, she would apply to have that single unit fha-approved, which would allow me to purchase the condo with a mere 3.5% down (yes, even that went up from 3%...this housing market is jacked, let me tell you!). it took a while, but everything panned out and i got the fha loan...and i still have a nice savings to play with.

lots of work, but the timing of my entry into the real estate market was impeccable, for a few reasons:

1) i get Obama's $8,000 tax credit, ON TOP of all the wonderful mortgage tax rebates
2) hud is planning to do away with fha spot approvals in a matter of months (and rather streamline the process for a complex to get approval)
3) i just got my raise/bonus last week (yeah, how much does my company rock? no layoffs and still passing out increases in salary...sweet!)
4) places are CHEAP!!! it's a good time to buy
5) basically, everything is on sale, including appliances and flooring
6) my current residence is going into foreclosure (which i learned a mere month after moving in...these phoenix landlords are scum), so i've been a sitting duck for six months, waiting for the place to be auctioned off, resulting in my eviction notice...this whole situation is a story in itself

now, is this condo purchase really commitment? you tell me. at my purchase price, i will be paying LESS for mortgage, insurance, taxes, and hoa than i currently pay in rent...not including maintenance costs, of course. if i decide to ditch town and head for Colorado in a couple of years, i can rent it out and profit $200 to $300 per month. i could actually do that now. this purchase is a no-brainer in my opinion.

and in the spirit of Karen's home improvement blog, i will try to dedicate space on this blog to my projects...starting with the cleaning, so stay tuned...

condomania

i am placing an offer on a condo today. i have been staring at this one for three months, since i first moved to Phoenix, and the price has continued to drop....which i don't understand. the place is great. the location is great (yes, i checked crime stats). not a single offer. until today!

i will post photos when i get it. :)

my 14-year-old therapist

my brother-in-law's 40th birthday party was last night. i am not a fan of big parties, only because i do better in small groups. i also feel big parties lend to the 'small talk' factor...lots of alcohol, small words, even smaller connections with people. however, i jump at any chance to see my family, and it was a good occasion to celebrate, so i went. fortunately.

before the party got going, i was introduced to a bubbly 14-year-old girl named Zella Day. she walked right up to me with a huge smile, introduced herself, and asked if i'd give her a tour of my sister's house. gladly. we chatted a bit, joked about the size of the home and the possibility of getting lost (which has happened!), and checked out her new 'movie star' sunglasses. super sweet girl. and apparently very humble, as i found out later that night she is a budding super star.

that night, her mother was talking to my sister and me about Zella's success (and this was after Zella knocked our socks off with a private performance). interesting story indeed, with the trips to Hollywood, the agents, and Zella's courage in the face of money and power and "machines." no doubt, that girl has talent, confidence, brains, and modesty...the only thing she lacks is fear! but what hit home for me was simply hearing about a young girl following her dream while being supported wholeheartedly by her family. surprisingly, this dug deep, and this one conversation ultimately became therapy for me because i realized that at one stage in my life, i was Zella! i had no fear. i loved to perform for others, act, sing, be creative. i would bust out with a lively rendition of "the sun will come out tomorrow" for anyone, anywhere, on cue! fortunately, i had the opportunity to play the violin for ten years, and i absolutely lost myself in that instrument for hours on end. and yet, all this makes me wonder how far i could have gone had i been provided the support and financial resources. what if my mom had taken me to the audition at The Pantages Theater that day i called her frantically from elementary school after hearing about auditions for a play? would i now be an actress? a stage director? a producer? what if mom had been able to afford to rent the cello, which is what i really wanted to play, instead of the violin? i was concertmistress of my high school orchestra, made the Youth Symphony and All State orchestras for years...on my own. what if i had private instruction, like every other student in the higher (and many lower) chairs, or a higher quality instrument? OR what if i did not put down my pencil when my little brother said to me one day, long ago, "why do you have to draw? you have everything else, why can't i have this?" the end of an era for me, as i bid farewell to something i enjoyed to make someone else happy. story of my life, apparently.

where would i be right now if my dreams had been nurtured like Zella? would i have chosen music over engineering in college? without a doubt. at that time, though, i just didn't think i had it in me, the 'artistic' stuff. but i realize only now that i simply wasn't nurtured in those areas, the areas that were most important to me. my little brother was always told how talented he was and bragged about, and that is great because he KNEW he was good at his passion (and fortunately, a pencil and paper is cheap). to this day he is held on a pedestal for his talent. meanwhile, i was nurtured for nothing. all i saw was the pride in my parents' eyes when they got to brag about me being an 'A' student, a child who took care of herself, caused no problems, followed the rules, and was on the 'right track.' all my compliments were, and to do this day ARE, based on nothing that means anything to me.

has my whole life been a fake? does anyone really know the real me? do i? is it too late to pursue my dreams, unleash my passions to the world, fulfill my Piscean destiny? where to start?

mission impossible: break the lease

i received a notice from my property manager last week that my condo is being sold, and that a realtor would be contacting me to schedule walkthroughs. um...excuse me...huh?!

i need advice here, people. when i signed my lease, i was under the impression i was simply renting an apartment. not a word was said about the condo being owned by a private party. typically, not a big deal, i get it. BUT, in my case, i would NOT have signed the lease if this information had been disclosed. #1 i know two couples that have been evicted because the owner of their rented condo went into foreclosure. #2 i would not have accepted the risk of the owner selling the condo, in which case potential buyers would be traipsing through my home. with their shoes on...bringing their strange energy into my home, seeing everything i own, potentially leaving the front door unlocked with my thousands of dollars worth of bikeage just sitting there...this bugs the hell out of me.

so tell me, is this grounds for breaking a lease? i feel the leasing office should have disclosed this information. secondly, if this is not grounds for breaking a lease, can i deny the realtor the right to allow potential buyers into my home?

the grand scheme of things

now that my life has 'calmed' a bit, i am now able to focus on my great escape from the world of engineering. i have never been more certain of anything in my life. i want out. even better, my gut wants out. the hours i spend at what is now termed 'the day job' are little more than a research opportunity in how to feng shui the hell out of cubicle space...and a way to make a paycheck. of course. after all, isn't that the reason a majority of us walk through the doors of drudgery on a daily basis?

this being said, i am now working on growing two small businesses that will eventually squeeze out the 'day job.' i find time to work on these part-time endeavors at home either very early in the morning or very late at night. interestingly, despite these odd hours, i have more energy working on my businesses than i do when "fresh" in the morning at my 'day job.' that says something.

even more telling...

#1 i am absolutely stepping out of my comfort zone these days. i am learning about marketing, networking, accounting, and most importantly, human relations (obviously NOT a forte in the world of engineering :). i am having to become brave when it comes to contacting people out of the blue, being direct, and possibly asking for help, or even accepting help while understanding that people really do want to help, which has always been difficult for me. i am making phone calls, not sending emails (that's a big deal for me!). i am setting appointments with people to talk over coffee and presenting information in different ways. i am asking THEM to be open-minded enough to take a look at what i am doing, which is something i am very excited about! and despite being so uncomfortable most of the time, i am having a blast! i am learning so much about myself and other people and believe so much in what i am doing that i keep going, keep pushing myself, keep growing...and i am very excited to see where this leads me.

but...

#2 i have also learned that this "change" in my direction has also changed the way i perceive some of my relationships with family and friends. at a time when i am heading in a totally new direction, when i could absolutely use the support of some key people in my life, some of those people are turning away from me or immediately making incorrect assumptions. even if i am asking for nothing more than an opinion, or advice on how to go about doing something better, or just an ear for 5 minutes (i am working on things to make THEIR life better!), i get the 'what's wrong with what you're doing now?' or the 'why are you doing this?' or the 'anyone could do this, you could do so much more' or, even better, i am ignored. i feel like they don't trust me, and given that, do they really know me? on the other end of the spectrum, i am learning that some people are really stepping up to the plate, so to speak! they are very excited to learn more about what i am doing, offer advice, perhaps even get involved. they support me, and they are simply open to learning something new, worst case! all this is very telling. right now, i need to surround myself with positive people, and i am beginning to learn that a number of people in my life, some i thought were totally on my side, are just kinda negative, close-minded, and don't seem to give a rip about what i am up to. consequently, i am starting to reassess the people i surround myself with...get rid of those "negatrons." boo.

explosion

the past three months have been, well...trying. they've consisted of moving, transferring offices, catching up on new projects, meeting new people, studying for the leed exam, training for my bike race, family events, family drama, adjusting to a new city/state, a last minute funeral in WA (well, are they ever planned?), launching two small businesses, taxes, planning/paying for my trip to france...and then some...and finally, the actual race, which i already told you about. so, last saturday was my birthday. i went to yoga, then hiked camelback mountain with my family. at the top of the mountain, they put a tiara on my head and presented me with a brownie and candle to blow out. it was cute...until they made me wear the tiara on the way down! :) then they cooked me dinner. exhausting day, but very fun and so appreciated. however, the following day, sunday, was my first day of downtime, literally, in three months. NOTHING TO DO. i had looked forward to that day for a long time. and i got sick. and i've been sick all week. finally, today, i feel better...and then i go to log onto my laptop first thing this morning and it gives me the blue screen of death. it's infested with 130+ viruses. hmm. no doubt, i am being tested.

do you ever get the feeling something big is about to happen? like a major event looming on the horizon is about to shift the course of your life, and you actually expect it? yeah, that feeling! well i have it. and i don't know why. but great patience is being demanded of me at this time.

the day of pain: mission accomplished

i did it! i finished my first 24-hour mountain bike race, and i feel awesome! although i am still groggy. i can’t catch up on my sleep and i still want to eat like a horse, which i can no longer do, so sad...

the highlights of the race are as follows:

• freezing temperatures and i got stuck with the 3am shift.
• high altitude and dry desert conditions, which means you could not drink enough water which led to dehydration and thereby cramps that ultimately doubled the size of my quads which equals massive PAIN. and that was the first lap…
• having to drink so much water that in the short spans of time you were allowed some shuteye (~3 hours) you ended up waking up every 30 minutes needing to pee your brains out, which necessitated having to get dressed in freezing temps (quickly!) and running to the porta potties which were located on the other side of the expo area, so everyone could see me skipping along desperately with my hand between my legs. certainly amongst my finest moments.
• a flat tire within the first mile of my 3am shift, whereby a tire iron breaks. i also run out of co2 so my tire is not inflated enough and i therefore had to spend a majority of the remaining 17 miles off the saddle to decrease my chances of getting a pinch flat. and this was before i ran into the guy whose headlights, both of them, died. i guided him for a few miles so he could make it to the main road and get moving so he wouldn’t freeze to death. totally killed my time…but you do not mess with karma.
• mini got to experience off-roading for the first time. great! she was filthy and ended up playing a 2-day game of alternating between boom box/soda can coaster/bonfire ash collector/just lay anything you damn well please against my car, people! poor mini. she got washed yesterday and i heard her squeal in delight.
• and guess who was in my category? yeah, my team competed against Dave Wiens’ team. this is the guy who defeated Lance Armstrong in Leadville by something like 16 minutes. needless to say, i am stoked my team got 19/37.

and then i would do it all over again. it’s that 99/1 ratio. 99% of the time is miserable, but that 1% will pull me back in. there’s something about being in the high desert alone at night with a clear sky, savoring the calmness and the peace of being overwhelmed with the elements. you come to terms with who you are, what you are capable of doing…in some sense, what’s most important to you. pushing your limits like that changes you, mentally and physically. seeing what happens to your body and mind is astonishing. i love it.

next time i think i’ll do it solo.

accreditation. FINALLY.

i took the LEED-NC exam this morning and passed! woohoo!!! immediately afterwards i went to my first u.s. green building council meeting as a LEED AP and ate two cookies while learning about soy-based paints and VOC-free adhesives. i felt way cool.

the best part was placing all of my study material on the shelf at work. it is off my desk at home. with the exception of the reference guide, i never want to see that stack of paper again! talk about feng shui'ing my life! completing (and passing) this exam was the ultimate decluttering exercise. :)

AND it's my birthday month! what a way to start...

wine, women & wealth

one thing i have to give phoenix credit for is that people around here LIKE TO DO STUFF. i thought this was the case in california, but that deduction was based on a comparison to folks in washington. ok, in retrospect, i see the issue. nobody steps outside in washington for good reason. once you are exposed to the constant drizzle, your hair never dries, your anti-depressant dose rises, and your body gets closer to developing a fungus. naturally, people from any other state are more likely to get out of the house. i remember moving to california and feeling like i could never sit on my couch and just relax without feeling guilty (especially when the sun was out, which was most of the time), but the second i walked out my front door it was like being whisked away in a torrential storm. sure, people in cali like to do stuff, but it's work hard, play hard, then go back to work! very intense. now, people in arizona, on the other hand...

these folks LOVE it here. and they prove it. they are always out doing something fun, something to better themselves even. and work doesn't rule their lives. in fact, my social life is better in arizona in six weeks than it was in cali in nine years! i think it could be the energy of the desert. it's powerful stuff. creativity is flowing through me like a raging class v river. (i am having a very hard time sleeping because i wake up with so many ideas and i cannot calm them down enough to drift off. i have resorted to keeping a journal by my bed.) i am drawn to certain areas of this town, like camelback mountain. it is easy to just sit and enjoy the natural beauty without feeling the need to be somewhere else and even more impressive is that although the weather is better here than in california (at least NOW...summer is another story), i can sit on my sofa with a good book without feeling like i 'should' be doing something else. it is awesome.

so, last night i attended a networking function called 'wine, women & wealth.' one of the founders is the sister of my boss, and i met her a few weeks ago at a theater night. she invited me to this function, and it was a fantastic experience. WWW is a means for women entrepreneurs to get together once every two months and network, i.e., spread the word of your business, seek specific referrals, and gain support from all of the women (70 last night) at WWW who are each amazing resources. i felt an instant connection with all of them, despite me being amongst one of the 'youngsters' in attendance. all of these women had more or less gone through what i AM going through, with the whole battling corporate america thing and being utterly miserable. not only did they recognize this insanity and decide to do something about it, but they walked away and started their own business so they could be their own boss and follow their hearts, pursue their passions, fill a niche, grow personally, whatever their individual reason was. and OH MY GOD, i have never seen a happier, driven, more passionate group of people in my life. EVERYONE there last night loves what they do, and it absolutely shows. they are energized! AND all these women want to help ME get started with my business. it was like a dream come true!

and you know what? networking, the whole schmoozing thing, typically annoys the crap out of me because i absolutely hate small talk. turns out that when you actually enjoy what you do, or what you want to do, and you have goals and want to meet certain people to help you attain those goals, networking is awesome...and EASY. there is no small talk involved. every second is precious. i found myself walking up to women with skills i wanted or interests that gel with my own and just say, 'hi! i want to talk with you.' and we were off! it was empowering. it also confirms i am going in the right direction and how off-course i am in the engineering world. oh boy, was i a fish out of water at those networking functions! pass me a pillow, please! zzzzzzzzz

i beat brezsny to the punch

most people know me as 'the engineer.' not surprising, that has been my "face" for a number of years. however, i have another side to me that is much more important in my life, and that is the one interested in spirituality, eastern practices, astrology, etc. i eat up books on Buddhism and numerology and universal laws and quantum physics. i own a pack of tarot cards that i use for meditation. i have studied feng shui for years. i would like to study acupuncture and the i ching. (ok, so now that the cat's out of the bag, expect more blog entries on these topics and the crazy thoughts that enter my mind.) naturally, me being 'old school,' i check my astrological horoscope on occasion, and in particular, i am all over rob brezsny's free will astrology. this week he tells me:

"According to Harper's Index, an Iowa farmer can generate an annual revenue of $300 per quarter acre by growing corn to produce ethanol. If the farmer instead puts a wind turbine on that same patch of land, however, he could earn $10,000 per year. I urge you to meditate on that scenario as a metaphor for your own life, Pisces. Are you underutilizing one of your resources? Are you failing to fully capitalize on your potentials? Have you accepted a low-yield reward in a situation that could bring you much, much more? If so, what are you going to do about it?

my response: i already know this! funny it should be thrown at me after i only realized this a week ago and decided that my current job is the equivalent of his $300 quarter acre of corn. needless to say, this is just fuel for my fire and confirmation that i am on the right path. it is exciting. but the interesting thing is, so many people stay with jobs that make them utterly miserable on a daily basis (including me), and yet if things become so much easier if you simply do what you love, what is the disconnect? my take on it is, most people don't know what they love, what they want, what they're worth even. so part of my big plan is to focus on finding out what it is i love and what it is i truly WANT because i fully understand my worth and what i am capable of. and i am not going to cut myself short.

i wrote an entry in my journal last week, and it absolutely turned out to be one of those turning points in my life, one of those 'ah ha!' moments. it was my first experience with being entirely truthful with myself, despite a very hard truth, and ending up feeling wonderful and free because i let myself go. this is what i said:

"012309. something just occurred to me. when i chose to be an "environmental engineer" in the tenth grade while talking to my father, i chose that path for the wrong reasons. i knew at that time i was passionate about environmental protection, so the "environmental" portion of that decision was authentic. it was right on! but the "engineering" portion of that decision had more to do with my fears of inadequacy and poverty. rather than explore my options as an environmentalist, i went with the seemingly safe path. everyone said i should be an engineer because i was good at math and science. everyone ELSE. but did i enjoy it? i worked hard to understand those subjects, score high on tests, get those scholarships...but the subjects did not excite me. and everyone ELSE said i should be an engineer because there are always jobs for engineers and the salaries are "good." and so i got sucked in without thinking for myself because everyone ELSE knew me better than me. right? and then i go to college and actually switch majors in a day when my roomate at the time said her dad (who i didn't even know!!!) would hire a chemical engineer over a civil engineer any day! so of course i had to change majors if that was the case and learn about pipes and process equipment and transport phenomena and material balances...stop! my head hurts! and i only rocked the program because i am resourceful, i am a hard worker, i am persistent, i like a challenge, and i am pretty darn bright. my success in chemE as a student had nothing to do with my being naturally gifted at math and science or with a passion for those subjects. in fact, i loathed those subjects. i wanted more than anything to just be able to take a foreign language in school (note: engineering majors were the only students exempt from foreign language courses because our fun-loving curriculum was too full!). i loved my public speaking class and i loved my music classes...i just thought it was "cool" and "safe" to be the goth engineering chick. yuck. i really screwed myself there. before university, my favorite subects were music, government, and foreign languages (and i was really good at foreign languages...i even got an award for being so good at french!). i loved being on student council, organizing events, and acting as a diplomat. i loved being on team sports! i loved orchestra! BUT i wanted to excel in everything. i wanted to be valedictorian. and i succeeded. then. but if i could change one thing about my life, it would be to go back to my pre-college years and focus on those subjects i loved, to sign up for a drama class, kick AP calculus to the curb, do what i wanted to do without any input from anyone ELSE. i got sucked into other peoples' dreams and forgot about my own. well, time to start living my dreams. step one, FUCK ENGINEERING. step two, figure out what i really love and want..."

burnt toast

i went to a toastmasters meeting last night. i want to gain experience "schmoozing" so i can become a better networker (it's all a part of "the plan"), so i figured, what the hell. it was...ok. this particular club is full of business folk - mainly project managers and self-employed professionals - which is great, but this is not the crowd i want to spend my free time with after a long day at work. the presentations were based on the members' issues at their jobs, and one guy works for a semiconductor company, so ugh! like i want to go back to that life! the so-called 'table topics' focused on absolutely negative subjects like gas prices, the credit crisis, and...the superbowl? i was assigned to be the "um counter" or something like that, so each time a speaker said 'uh/um/ah/you know/so/and/well/but" (you get it) i had to add to their tally. at the end of the meeting, they asked me to go down the list and literally call everyone out with their "um counts." i felt awful! and then, in front of everyone, they asked what i thought of the meeting. bad mistake. i spoke my mind, which always offends someone. all i said was, "it's more structured than i expected," and people totally flipped out! heads turned around, they approached me after the meeting to find out more about "what i meant." sorry. you asked.

the gist of it is, this club is not what i am looking for. everyone was really nice, but it's not a fit for me. i am going to gain my schmooze skills by simply attending more networking functions, beginning this friday at a 'wine, women and wealth' seminar. sounds good to me!

and on another note, i finally take my LEED AP exam on tuesday. yeah, THIS tuesday. passing this test is also part of "the plan."

ok, back to data entry (from home...i couldn't face the office today or i would have caused damage to my cubicle). yes, today i get to spend my entire day entering data into an excel spreadsheet. and yes, i went to grad school for this gig. and yes, i am supposed to say i am grateful for this job because everyone else is being laid off and i can still pay my bills which allows me to live in an apartment that gives me allergies. i wonder if it's the carpet or the cats that pee on my front door? they touch the mini and they die.

new digs

and for the record, some of you may actually be wondering how i am getting along in my new town. you already know how the job is going. :) otherwise, phoenix is...interesting. lots of chargers and cadillacs on the road. just lots of cars in general because you have to drive everywhere. but it is pretty once you escape the city. i get to see my sisters nearly every week, which is awesome! i have been spending a lot of time mountain biking and spinning (the gym sitch in this town is a whole other story), since that 24-hour race is in three weeks. argh! i made it up to flagstaff to snowboard a couple weeks ago. there was powpow everywhere! unbelievable. and i've been reading as much as possible. and studying for my LEED AP exam. and working on my feng shui homework to become certified. and thinking about a couple books i want to write.

i have also decided to give toastmasters a shot. my first meeting is next tuesday night. scared out of my mind, but i have a new philosophy: if i feel unprepared, that's the right path for me to take. i'm excited to see where it leads.

ball and chain

i just booked a trip to france. a friend from there is getting married in saint-cyr-sur-mer on 9/9/9. (love it.) the plan is to spend the first half of the trip in that town, which is nestled amdist cliffs in between marseilles and nice on the mediterranean coast. local temperatures typically range around 80 degrees at that time of the year. not bad. the festivities begin a few days before the wedding ceremony, which means i have the opportunity to hang out in southern france with the locals...and if they're anything like my friend, these locals are going to be FUN. additionally, a number of other people i absolutely love will be flying in for the week and we are renting a villa. i immediately think of 'mama mia' when i think of this wedding! a few days after the wedding, i will jet north to biarritz with a couple others. biarritz is another french coastal town on the atlantic side. it is the french version of 'surf city.' i have already reserved an absolutely darling studio for my time there, so i will no doubt get my much needed alone-time on this trip despite my being there with other people.

so this trip sounds fantastic, eh? i am absolutely blessed to have this opportunity and the means to afford it, yes? tell me about it. and trust me, i am grateful, especially since 1) i need a vacation like nobody's business (i haven't had time off work since may) and 2) people are being laid-off left and right these days (case in point, my mom just got the axe two days ago). so why is it that while planning this trip, and in particular, while booking this trip (even though i got to use miles), i started to have a slight panic attack? hmm. i had to think about this for a while before i could dig up the fundamental issues at hand, such as:

• why is it that i spend 40+ hours a week at a job that at present does not gratify me, does not excite me, that actually bores the living daylights out of me? 40+ hours is a lot of time. it's more time than i spend with my family and friends, my hobbies, my workouts, traveling, everything i enjoy...COMBINED. it is literally the focal point of my life. and it's a soul-suck. is that life? is that really what life is about? i find it interesting how people react to this type of statement with responses like, 'oh don't complain. everyone has to work,' or 'that's just the way it is,' or 'most people have it a lot worse than you!' you may be thinking that now. please. my thought is, whoever said that it is 'normal' to spend 40+ hours a week working and actually got everyone to jump on that train can claim victory as telling the greatest lie in history, one that has ultimately placed a jail cell around america (and many other countries for that matter). and still, research has shown that people are totally unproductive with those hours! we work our butts off for the weekend, for the minimal vacation time each year...merely to ATTEMPT to accumulate a little cash in the bank. money. green. moola. and that brings me to the next bullet...
• i work at a job with a financial ceiling. most people do. you go into work and are paid based on your time spent sitting at the desk. usually with a monitor smashed against your face. if you're good at sitting in meetings and schmoozing, you'll get paid a little more for your time. life, huh? i think this scenario seems mighty inefficient. and i don't want to throw my salary into cyberspace, but let's just say i now make less money than i made in 2003, BEFORE i received my graduate degree. and i now owe 5x what i owed then in educational loans. i recently read a book called 'harmonic wealth.' the author explains there are three ways to make money: your time, your knowledge, or your product. he says that using your time to make money is absolutely the most ineffecient route to acheive financial wealth. that got me thinking, and i agree with him.

taking the two bullets above into account, the process of deciding to go to france proved difficult for a few reasons. 1) given my limited vacation time and finances, i pondered whether i 'should' spend those resources (and deplete my miles) going to a country that i've already visited before. now get this: this is the ONE trip i get to take this year. would i prefer to pass on the opportunity to celebrate with my friends only to 'be able' (think about that jail cell here) to visit another country that i've never been to before, like china! or ghana! or new zealand! or argentina! so many places to go, so little time...but then i am ABSOLUTELY HONORED to have been invited to this wedding in the first place, and i adore the couple getting married, so no way would i miss it. i want to celebrate their big day with them! but still, it just stinks i have to think about prioritizing vacation time like this. 2) why was i so fixated on the cash issue involved with this trip? and then it clicked, i am just fixated with money in general. why? because i have to be so flippin frugal with it just to throw a little into savings each month. each time i shell out a dime i stress out! what the?! i was on the phone the other night crying to my sister about my electric bill being so high and wondering what i did wrong (in arizona? well, there goes my offset in rent.) and you have no idea how badly the mini payments stress me out. I HATE BEING LIKE THAT!!! money is the biggest (only?) source of stress in my life, and this makes me think i have a big ole fear lurking somewhere in my depths that i really need to deal with. like, now.

so the gist of my (long, sorry) spiel is, i get to go on an amazing vacation (in eight months...frick) and the whole planning of it has brought to light a number of personal issues, in particular, the fact that i am not happy with my present career situation, both the substance and especially the pay, and it is affecting every other aspect of my life. i feel like i have spent a huge portion of my time on earth struggling with this very issue, and i am tired of it. i job-hop (and city-hop, no denying it) like mad, which purportedly is the definition of insanity, correct? (doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, something like that.) makes sense. i do feel like i am going insane to an extent, and it's wearing on me BIG TIME. i much prefer to use my knowledge to support myself financially. hmm. how to go about that? i just need to find that spark within me and start fanning it, then take the plunge. to be continued...