my brother-in-law's 40th birthday party was last night. i am not a fan of big parties, only because i do better in small groups. i also feel big parties lend to the 'small talk' factor...lots of alcohol, small words, even smaller connections with people. however, i jump at any chance to see my family, and it was a good occasion to celebrate, so i went. fortunately.
before the party got going, i was introduced to a bubbly 14-year-old girl named Zella Day. she walked right up to me with a huge smile, introduced herself, and asked if i'd give her a tour of my sister's house. gladly. we chatted a bit, joked about the size of the home and the possibility of getting lost (which has happened!), and checked out her new 'movie star' sunglasses. super sweet girl. and apparently very humble, as i found out later that night she is a budding super star.
that night, her mother was talking to my sister and me about Zella's success (and this was after Zella knocked our socks off with a private performance). interesting story indeed, with the trips to Hollywood, the agents, and Zella's courage in the face of money and power and "machines." no doubt, that girl has talent, confidence, brains, and modesty...the only thing she lacks is fear! but what hit home for me was simply hearing about a young girl following her dream while being supported wholeheartedly by her family. surprisingly, this dug deep, and this one conversation ultimately became therapy for me because i realized that at one stage in my life, i was Zella! i had no fear. i loved to perform for others, act, sing, be creative. i would bust out with a lively rendition of "the sun will come out tomorrow" for anyone, anywhere, on cue! fortunately, i had the opportunity to play the violin for ten years, and i absolutely lost myself in that instrument for hours on end. and yet, all this makes me wonder how far i could have gone had i been provided the support and financial resources. what if my mom had taken me to the audition at The Pantages Theater that day i called her frantically from elementary school after hearing about auditions for a play? would i now be an actress? a stage director? a producer? what if mom had been able to afford to rent the cello, which is what i really wanted to play, instead of the violin? i was concertmistress of my high school orchestra, made the Youth Symphony and All State orchestras for years...on my own. what if i had private instruction, like every other student in the higher (and many lower) chairs, or a higher quality instrument? OR what if i did not put down my pencil when my little brother said to me one day, long ago, "why do you have to draw? you have everything else, why can't i have this?" the end of an era for me, as i bid farewell to something i enjoyed to make someone else happy. story of my life, apparently.
where would i be right now if my dreams had been nurtured like Zella? would i have chosen music over engineering in college? without a doubt. at that time, though, i just didn't think i had it in me, the 'artistic' stuff. but i realize only now that i simply wasn't nurtured in those areas, the areas that were most important to me. my little brother was always told how talented he was and bragged about, and that is great because he KNEW he was good at his passion (and fortunately, a pencil and paper is cheap). to this day he is held on a pedestal for his talent. meanwhile, i was nurtured for nothing. all i saw was the pride in my parents' eyes when they got to brag about me being an 'A' student, a child who took care of herself, caused no problems, followed the rules, and was on the 'right track.' all my compliments were, and to do this day ARE, based on nothing that means anything to me.
has my whole life been a fake? does anyone really know the real me? do i? is it too late to pursue my dreams, unleash my passions to the world, fulfill my Piscean destiny? where to start?
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