upchuck

i just learned that my new mini cooper s (yes, the "s" is mui importante) has been scheduled for production. i feel sick. this leads me investigate my inner self a bit. why do i feel like i want to throw up? (note how profound that question is.) i have wanted a new car for a while. my beloved jetta is starting fall apart, cough up her lung, burn oil and gas like there's no tomorrow (well, there won't be if we keep the republicans in office)...and we've had great adventures over the past nearly TEN years, holy crap! so yeah, a new car seems logical. and i work hard. i think i'm pretty kickass. so i deserve a new car, one i actually want, right? so i dropped the ball and went for the fun-loving enviro-friendly turbo city car. it doesn't take up much space. it doesn't use much gas. it drives like a banshee from hell. all a girl could want in here car. so why do i feel so BAD?!!!

turns out (this all became apparent to me last night while chatting it up with a dear friend about my bare walls) that i hate to spend money. i get a paycheck and it goes into savings, or my 401k, or my pension, or my mutual fund, or my IRA, or stocks...now i'm looking at CDs. and yet today, i am wearing shoes that are literally falling apart at the seams. i still wear clothing i bought when i started work at AMD. no joke! i even look for deals on my bikes, which i play with ALL THE TIME. you'd think i would at least splurge there. (and yeah, that camelback, it's going on eight years old. i did replace the bladder a few month ago, however.) so what's up with my attachment to money? is it the security? is it the fact i like to put money above THINGS? am i saving for something?

and then there is the fact that i have learned i associate bare walls in a home with poverty. this occurred to me last night when it literally flew out of my mouth that my life feels so temporary, like i am a perpetual student! i have realized it's because i don't splurge on nice things for my home. my walls are bare, which is a big one. nothing feels cozy. most of my furniture comes from ikea, a company with a mission to keep people buying crap so they make all their products disposable, i.e. TEMPORARY. no wonder i have such a hard time growing roots!

all this being said, i have decided to splurge on myself a bit. i am going to buy a sweet table lamp, a very yin, cozy table lamp. i am going to purchase one piece of expensive art that makes me feel WONDERFUL and plaster it on my living room wall so i can revel in its majestic size (if nothing else) every time i walk through my front door. i will purchase pottery for all my plants. i will buy a new pair of shoes and a new pair of jeans (to replace my favorite pair which now have holes in the knees that i refuse to throw away...well, they're going in the trash, baby!). and finally, i am going to feel GREAT about purchasing my new car.

so, back to work so i can afford to pay for all this stuff...hmm.