i beat brezsny to the punch

most people know me as 'the engineer.' not surprising, that has been my "face" for a number of years. however, i have another side to me that is much more important in my life, and that is the one interested in spirituality, eastern practices, astrology, etc. i eat up books on Buddhism and numerology and universal laws and quantum physics. i own a pack of tarot cards that i use for meditation. i have studied feng shui for years. i would like to study acupuncture and the i ching. (ok, so now that the cat's out of the bag, expect more blog entries on these topics and the crazy thoughts that enter my mind.) naturally, me being 'old school,' i check my astrological horoscope on occasion, and in particular, i am all over rob brezsny's free will astrology. this week he tells me:

"According to Harper's Index, an Iowa farmer can generate an annual revenue of $300 per quarter acre by growing corn to produce ethanol. If the farmer instead puts a wind turbine on that same patch of land, however, he could earn $10,000 per year. I urge you to meditate on that scenario as a metaphor for your own life, Pisces. Are you underutilizing one of your resources? Are you failing to fully capitalize on your potentials? Have you accepted a low-yield reward in a situation that could bring you much, much more? If so, what are you going to do about it?

my response: i already know this! funny it should be thrown at me after i only realized this a week ago and decided that my current job is the equivalent of his $300 quarter acre of corn. needless to say, this is just fuel for my fire and confirmation that i am on the right path. it is exciting. but the interesting thing is, so many people stay with jobs that make them utterly miserable on a daily basis (including me), and yet if things become so much easier if you simply do what you love, what is the disconnect? my take on it is, most people don't know what they love, what they want, what they're worth even. so part of my big plan is to focus on finding out what it is i love and what it is i truly WANT because i fully understand my worth and what i am capable of. and i am not going to cut myself short.

i wrote an entry in my journal last week, and it absolutely turned out to be one of those turning points in my life, one of those 'ah ha!' moments. it was my first experience with being entirely truthful with myself, despite a very hard truth, and ending up feeling wonderful and free because i let myself go. this is what i said:

"012309. something just occurred to me. when i chose to be an "environmental engineer" in the tenth grade while talking to my father, i chose that path for the wrong reasons. i knew at that time i was passionate about environmental protection, so the "environmental" portion of that decision was authentic. it was right on! but the "engineering" portion of that decision had more to do with my fears of inadequacy and poverty. rather than explore my options as an environmentalist, i went with the seemingly safe path. everyone said i should be an engineer because i was good at math and science. everyone ELSE. but did i enjoy it? i worked hard to understand those subjects, score high on tests, get those scholarships...but the subjects did not excite me. and everyone ELSE said i should be an engineer because there are always jobs for engineers and the salaries are "good." and so i got sucked in without thinking for myself because everyone ELSE knew me better than me. right? and then i go to college and actually switch majors in a day when my roomate at the time said her dad (who i didn't even know!!!) would hire a chemical engineer over a civil engineer any day! so of course i had to change majors if that was the case and learn about pipes and process equipment and transport phenomena and material balances...stop! my head hurts! and i only rocked the program because i am resourceful, i am a hard worker, i am persistent, i like a challenge, and i am pretty darn bright. my success in chemE as a student had nothing to do with my being naturally gifted at math and science or with a passion for those subjects. in fact, i loathed those subjects. i wanted more than anything to just be able to take a foreign language in school (note: engineering majors were the only students exempt from foreign language courses because our fun-loving curriculum was too full!). i loved my public speaking class and i loved my music classes...i just thought it was "cool" and "safe" to be the goth engineering chick. yuck. i really screwed myself there. before university, my favorite subects were music, government, and foreign languages (and i was really good at foreign languages...i even got an award for being so good at french!). i loved being on student council, organizing events, and acting as a diplomat. i loved being on team sports! i loved orchestra! BUT i wanted to excel in everything. i wanted to be valedictorian. and i succeeded. then. but if i could change one thing about my life, it would be to go back to my pre-college years and focus on those subjects i loved, to sign up for a drama class, kick AP calculus to the curb, do what i wanted to do without any input from anyone ELSE. i got sucked into other peoples' dreams and forgot about my own. well, time to start living my dreams. step one, FUCK ENGINEERING. step two, figure out what i really love and want..."