ball and chain

i just booked a trip to france. a friend from there is getting married in saint-cyr-sur-mer on 9/9/9. (love it.) the plan is to spend the first half of the trip in that town, which is nestled amdist cliffs in between marseilles and nice on the mediterranean coast. local temperatures typically range around 80 degrees at that time of the year. not bad. the festivities begin a few days before the wedding ceremony, which means i have the opportunity to hang out in southern france with the locals...and if they're anything like my friend, these locals are going to be FUN. additionally, a number of other people i absolutely love will be flying in for the week and we are renting a villa. i immediately think of 'mama mia' when i think of this wedding! a few days after the wedding, i will jet north to biarritz with a couple others. biarritz is another french coastal town on the atlantic side. it is the french version of 'surf city.' i have already reserved an absolutely darling studio for my time there, so i will no doubt get my much needed alone-time on this trip despite my being there with other people.

so this trip sounds fantastic, eh? i am absolutely blessed to have this opportunity and the means to afford it, yes? tell me about it. and trust me, i am grateful, especially since 1) i need a vacation like nobody's business (i haven't had time off work since may) and 2) people are being laid-off left and right these days (case in point, my mom just got the axe two days ago). so why is it that while planning this trip, and in particular, while booking this trip (even though i got to use miles), i started to have a slight panic attack? hmm. i had to think about this for a while before i could dig up the fundamental issues at hand, such as:

• why is it that i spend 40+ hours a week at a job that at present does not gratify me, does not excite me, that actually bores the living daylights out of me? 40+ hours is a lot of time. it's more time than i spend with my family and friends, my hobbies, my workouts, traveling, everything i enjoy...COMBINED. it is literally the focal point of my life. and it's a soul-suck. is that life? is that really what life is about? i find it interesting how people react to this type of statement with responses like, 'oh don't complain. everyone has to work,' or 'that's just the way it is,' or 'most people have it a lot worse than you!' you may be thinking that now. please. my thought is, whoever said that it is 'normal' to spend 40+ hours a week working and actually got everyone to jump on that train can claim victory as telling the greatest lie in history, one that has ultimately placed a jail cell around america (and many other countries for that matter). and still, research has shown that people are totally unproductive with those hours! we work our butts off for the weekend, for the minimal vacation time each year...merely to ATTEMPT to accumulate a little cash in the bank. money. green. moola. and that brings me to the next bullet...
• i work at a job with a financial ceiling. most people do. you go into work and are paid based on your time spent sitting at the desk. usually with a monitor smashed against your face. if you're good at sitting in meetings and schmoozing, you'll get paid a little more for your time. life, huh? i think this scenario seems mighty inefficient. and i don't want to throw my salary into cyberspace, but let's just say i now make less money than i made in 2003, BEFORE i received my graduate degree. and i now owe 5x what i owed then in educational loans. i recently read a book called 'harmonic wealth.' the author explains there are three ways to make money: your time, your knowledge, or your product. he says that using your time to make money is absolutely the most ineffecient route to acheive financial wealth. that got me thinking, and i agree with him.

taking the two bullets above into account, the process of deciding to go to france proved difficult for a few reasons. 1) given my limited vacation time and finances, i pondered whether i 'should' spend those resources (and deplete my miles) going to a country that i've already visited before. now get this: this is the ONE trip i get to take this year. would i prefer to pass on the opportunity to celebrate with my friends only to 'be able' (think about that jail cell here) to visit another country that i've never been to before, like china! or ghana! or new zealand! or argentina! so many places to go, so little time...but then i am ABSOLUTELY HONORED to have been invited to this wedding in the first place, and i adore the couple getting married, so no way would i miss it. i want to celebrate their big day with them! but still, it just stinks i have to think about prioritizing vacation time like this. 2) why was i so fixated on the cash issue involved with this trip? and then it clicked, i am just fixated with money in general. why? because i have to be so flippin frugal with it just to throw a little into savings each month. each time i shell out a dime i stress out! what the?! i was on the phone the other night crying to my sister about my electric bill being so high and wondering what i did wrong (in arizona? well, there goes my offset in rent.) and you have no idea how badly the mini payments stress me out. I HATE BEING LIKE THAT!!! money is the biggest (only?) source of stress in my life, and this makes me think i have a big ole fear lurking somewhere in my depths that i really need to deal with. like, now.

so the gist of my (long, sorry) spiel is, i get to go on an amazing vacation (in eight months...frick) and the whole planning of it has brought to light a number of personal issues, in particular, the fact that i am not happy with my present career situation, both the substance and especially the pay, and it is affecting every other aspect of my life. i feel like i have spent a huge portion of my time on earth struggling with this very issue, and i am tired of it. i job-hop (and city-hop, no denying it) like mad, which purportedly is the definition of insanity, correct? (doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, something like that.) makes sense. i do feel like i am going insane to an extent, and it's wearing on me BIG TIME. i much prefer to use my knowledge to support myself financially. hmm. how to go about that? i just need to find that spark within me and start fanning it, then take the plunge. to be continued...