wine, women & wealth

one thing i have to give phoenix credit for is that people around here LIKE TO DO STUFF. i thought this was the case in california, but that deduction was based on a comparison to folks in washington. ok, in retrospect, i see the issue. nobody steps outside in washington for good reason. once you are exposed to the constant drizzle, your hair never dries, your anti-depressant dose rises, and your body gets closer to developing a fungus. naturally, people from any other state are more likely to get out of the house. i remember moving to california and feeling like i could never sit on my couch and just relax without feeling guilty (especially when the sun was out, which was most of the time), but the second i walked out my front door it was like being whisked away in a torrential storm. sure, people in cali like to do stuff, but it's work hard, play hard, then go back to work! very intense. now, people in arizona, on the other hand...

these folks LOVE it here. and they prove it. they are always out doing something fun, something to better themselves even. and work doesn't rule their lives. in fact, my social life is better in arizona in six weeks than it was in cali in nine years! i think it could be the energy of the desert. it's powerful stuff. creativity is flowing through me like a raging class v river. (i am having a very hard time sleeping because i wake up with so many ideas and i cannot calm them down enough to drift off. i have resorted to keeping a journal by my bed.) i am drawn to certain areas of this town, like camelback mountain. it is easy to just sit and enjoy the natural beauty without feeling the need to be somewhere else and even more impressive is that although the weather is better here than in california (at least NOW...summer is another story), i can sit on my sofa with a good book without feeling like i 'should' be doing something else. it is awesome.

so, last night i attended a networking function called 'wine, women & wealth.' one of the founders is the sister of my boss, and i met her a few weeks ago at a theater night. she invited me to this function, and it was a fantastic experience. WWW is a means for women entrepreneurs to get together once every two months and network, i.e., spread the word of your business, seek specific referrals, and gain support from all of the women (70 last night) at WWW who are each amazing resources. i felt an instant connection with all of them, despite me being amongst one of the 'youngsters' in attendance. all of these women had more or less gone through what i AM going through, with the whole battling corporate america thing and being utterly miserable. not only did they recognize this insanity and decide to do something about it, but they walked away and started their own business so they could be their own boss and follow their hearts, pursue their passions, fill a niche, grow personally, whatever their individual reason was. and OH MY GOD, i have never seen a happier, driven, more passionate group of people in my life. EVERYONE there last night loves what they do, and it absolutely shows. they are energized! AND all these women want to help ME get started with my business. it was like a dream come true!

and you know what? networking, the whole schmoozing thing, typically annoys the crap out of me because i absolutely hate small talk. turns out that when you actually enjoy what you do, or what you want to do, and you have goals and want to meet certain people to help you attain those goals, networking is awesome...and EASY. there is no small talk involved. every second is precious. i found myself walking up to women with skills i wanted or interests that gel with my own and just say, 'hi! i want to talk with you.' and we were off! it was empowering. it also confirms i am going in the right direction and how off-course i am in the engineering world. oh boy, was i a fish out of water at those networking functions! pass me a pillow, please! zzzzzzzzz

i beat brezsny to the punch

most people know me as 'the engineer.' not surprising, that has been my "face" for a number of years. however, i have another side to me that is much more important in my life, and that is the one interested in spirituality, eastern practices, astrology, etc. i eat up books on Buddhism and numerology and universal laws and quantum physics. i own a pack of tarot cards that i use for meditation. i have studied feng shui for years. i would like to study acupuncture and the i ching. (ok, so now that the cat's out of the bag, expect more blog entries on these topics and the crazy thoughts that enter my mind.) naturally, me being 'old school,' i check my astrological horoscope on occasion, and in particular, i am all over rob brezsny's free will astrology. this week he tells me:

"According to Harper's Index, an Iowa farmer can generate an annual revenue of $300 per quarter acre by growing corn to produce ethanol. If the farmer instead puts a wind turbine on that same patch of land, however, he could earn $10,000 per year. I urge you to meditate on that scenario as a metaphor for your own life, Pisces. Are you underutilizing one of your resources? Are you failing to fully capitalize on your potentials? Have you accepted a low-yield reward in a situation that could bring you much, much more? If so, what are you going to do about it?

my response: i already know this! funny it should be thrown at me after i only realized this a week ago and decided that my current job is the equivalent of his $300 quarter acre of corn. needless to say, this is just fuel for my fire and confirmation that i am on the right path. it is exciting. but the interesting thing is, so many people stay with jobs that make them utterly miserable on a daily basis (including me), and yet if things become so much easier if you simply do what you love, what is the disconnect? my take on it is, most people don't know what they love, what they want, what they're worth even. so part of my big plan is to focus on finding out what it is i love and what it is i truly WANT because i fully understand my worth and what i am capable of. and i am not going to cut myself short.

i wrote an entry in my journal last week, and it absolutely turned out to be one of those turning points in my life, one of those 'ah ha!' moments. it was my first experience with being entirely truthful with myself, despite a very hard truth, and ending up feeling wonderful and free because i let myself go. this is what i said:

"012309. something just occurred to me. when i chose to be an "environmental engineer" in the tenth grade while talking to my father, i chose that path for the wrong reasons. i knew at that time i was passionate about environmental protection, so the "environmental" portion of that decision was authentic. it was right on! but the "engineering" portion of that decision had more to do with my fears of inadequacy and poverty. rather than explore my options as an environmentalist, i went with the seemingly safe path. everyone said i should be an engineer because i was good at math and science. everyone ELSE. but did i enjoy it? i worked hard to understand those subjects, score high on tests, get those scholarships...but the subjects did not excite me. and everyone ELSE said i should be an engineer because there are always jobs for engineers and the salaries are "good." and so i got sucked in without thinking for myself because everyone ELSE knew me better than me. right? and then i go to college and actually switch majors in a day when my roomate at the time said her dad (who i didn't even know!!!) would hire a chemical engineer over a civil engineer any day! so of course i had to change majors if that was the case and learn about pipes and process equipment and transport phenomena and material balances...stop! my head hurts! and i only rocked the program because i am resourceful, i am a hard worker, i am persistent, i like a challenge, and i am pretty darn bright. my success in chemE as a student had nothing to do with my being naturally gifted at math and science or with a passion for those subjects. in fact, i loathed those subjects. i wanted more than anything to just be able to take a foreign language in school (note: engineering majors were the only students exempt from foreign language courses because our fun-loving curriculum was too full!). i loved my public speaking class and i loved my music classes...i just thought it was "cool" and "safe" to be the goth engineering chick. yuck. i really screwed myself there. before university, my favorite subects were music, government, and foreign languages (and i was really good at foreign languages...i even got an award for being so good at french!). i loved being on student council, organizing events, and acting as a diplomat. i loved being on team sports! i loved orchestra! BUT i wanted to excel in everything. i wanted to be valedictorian. and i succeeded. then. but if i could change one thing about my life, it would be to go back to my pre-college years and focus on those subjects i loved, to sign up for a drama class, kick AP calculus to the curb, do what i wanted to do without any input from anyone ELSE. i got sucked into other peoples' dreams and forgot about my own. well, time to start living my dreams. step one, FUCK ENGINEERING. step two, figure out what i really love and want..."

burnt toast

i went to a toastmasters meeting last night. i want to gain experience "schmoozing" so i can become a better networker (it's all a part of "the plan"), so i figured, what the hell. it was...ok. this particular club is full of business folk - mainly project managers and self-employed professionals - which is great, but this is not the crowd i want to spend my free time with after a long day at work. the presentations were based on the members' issues at their jobs, and one guy works for a semiconductor company, so ugh! like i want to go back to that life! the so-called 'table topics' focused on absolutely negative subjects like gas prices, the credit crisis, and...the superbowl? i was assigned to be the "um counter" or something like that, so each time a speaker said 'uh/um/ah/you know/so/and/well/but" (you get it) i had to add to their tally. at the end of the meeting, they asked me to go down the list and literally call everyone out with their "um counts." i felt awful! and then, in front of everyone, they asked what i thought of the meeting. bad mistake. i spoke my mind, which always offends someone. all i said was, "it's more structured than i expected," and people totally flipped out! heads turned around, they approached me after the meeting to find out more about "what i meant." sorry. you asked.

the gist of it is, this club is not what i am looking for. everyone was really nice, but it's not a fit for me. i am going to gain my schmooze skills by simply attending more networking functions, beginning this friday at a 'wine, women and wealth' seminar. sounds good to me!

and on another note, i finally take my LEED AP exam on tuesday. yeah, THIS tuesday. passing this test is also part of "the plan."

ok, back to data entry (from home...i couldn't face the office today or i would have caused damage to my cubicle). yes, today i get to spend my entire day entering data into an excel spreadsheet. and yes, i went to grad school for this gig. and yes, i am supposed to say i am grateful for this job because everyone else is being laid off and i can still pay my bills which allows me to live in an apartment that gives me allergies. i wonder if it's the carpet or the cats that pee on my front door? they touch the mini and they die.

new digs

and for the record, some of you may actually be wondering how i am getting along in my new town. you already know how the job is going. :) otherwise, phoenix is...interesting. lots of chargers and cadillacs on the road. just lots of cars in general because you have to drive everywhere. but it is pretty once you escape the city. i get to see my sisters nearly every week, which is awesome! i have been spending a lot of time mountain biking and spinning (the gym sitch in this town is a whole other story), since that 24-hour race is in three weeks. argh! i made it up to flagstaff to snowboard a couple weeks ago. there was powpow everywhere! unbelievable. and i've been reading as much as possible. and studying for my LEED AP exam. and working on my feng shui homework to become certified. and thinking about a couple books i want to write.

i have also decided to give toastmasters a shot. my first meeting is next tuesday night. scared out of my mind, but i have a new philosophy: if i feel unprepared, that's the right path for me to take. i'm excited to see where it leads.

ball and chain

i just booked a trip to france. a friend from there is getting married in saint-cyr-sur-mer on 9/9/9. (love it.) the plan is to spend the first half of the trip in that town, which is nestled amdist cliffs in between marseilles and nice on the mediterranean coast. local temperatures typically range around 80 degrees at that time of the year. not bad. the festivities begin a few days before the wedding ceremony, which means i have the opportunity to hang out in southern france with the locals...and if they're anything like my friend, these locals are going to be FUN. additionally, a number of other people i absolutely love will be flying in for the week and we are renting a villa. i immediately think of 'mama mia' when i think of this wedding! a few days after the wedding, i will jet north to biarritz with a couple others. biarritz is another french coastal town on the atlantic side. it is the french version of 'surf city.' i have already reserved an absolutely darling studio for my time there, so i will no doubt get my much needed alone-time on this trip despite my being there with other people.

so this trip sounds fantastic, eh? i am absolutely blessed to have this opportunity and the means to afford it, yes? tell me about it. and trust me, i am grateful, especially since 1) i need a vacation like nobody's business (i haven't had time off work since may) and 2) people are being laid-off left and right these days (case in point, my mom just got the axe two days ago). so why is it that while planning this trip, and in particular, while booking this trip (even though i got to use miles), i started to have a slight panic attack? hmm. i had to think about this for a while before i could dig up the fundamental issues at hand, such as:

• why is it that i spend 40+ hours a week at a job that at present does not gratify me, does not excite me, that actually bores the living daylights out of me? 40+ hours is a lot of time. it's more time than i spend with my family and friends, my hobbies, my workouts, traveling, everything i enjoy...COMBINED. it is literally the focal point of my life. and it's a soul-suck. is that life? is that really what life is about? i find it interesting how people react to this type of statement with responses like, 'oh don't complain. everyone has to work,' or 'that's just the way it is,' or 'most people have it a lot worse than you!' you may be thinking that now. please. my thought is, whoever said that it is 'normal' to spend 40+ hours a week working and actually got everyone to jump on that train can claim victory as telling the greatest lie in history, one that has ultimately placed a jail cell around america (and many other countries for that matter). and still, research has shown that people are totally unproductive with those hours! we work our butts off for the weekend, for the minimal vacation time each year...merely to ATTEMPT to accumulate a little cash in the bank. money. green. moola. and that brings me to the next bullet...
• i work at a job with a financial ceiling. most people do. you go into work and are paid based on your time spent sitting at the desk. usually with a monitor smashed against your face. if you're good at sitting in meetings and schmoozing, you'll get paid a little more for your time. life, huh? i think this scenario seems mighty inefficient. and i don't want to throw my salary into cyberspace, but let's just say i now make less money than i made in 2003, BEFORE i received my graduate degree. and i now owe 5x what i owed then in educational loans. i recently read a book called 'harmonic wealth.' the author explains there are three ways to make money: your time, your knowledge, or your product. he says that using your time to make money is absolutely the most ineffecient route to acheive financial wealth. that got me thinking, and i agree with him.

taking the two bullets above into account, the process of deciding to go to france proved difficult for a few reasons. 1) given my limited vacation time and finances, i pondered whether i 'should' spend those resources (and deplete my miles) going to a country that i've already visited before. now get this: this is the ONE trip i get to take this year. would i prefer to pass on the opportunity to celebrate with my friends only to 'be able' (think about that jail cell here) to visit another country that i've never been to before, like china! or ghana! or new zealand! or argentina! so many places to go, so little time...but then i am ABSOLUTELY HONORED to have been invited to this wedding in the first place, and i adore the couple getting married, so no way would i miss it. i want to celebrate their big day with them! but still, it just stinks i have to think about prioritizing vacation time like this. 2) why was i so fixated on the cash issue involved with this trip? and then it clicked, i am just fixated with money in general. why? because i have to be so flippin frugal with it just to throw a little into savings each month. each time i shell out a dime i stress out! what the?! i was on the phone the other night crying to my sister about my electric bill being so high and wondering what i did wrong (in arizona? well, there goes my offset in rent.) and you have no idea how badly the mini payments stress me out. I HATE BEING LIKE THAT!!! money is the biggest (only?) source of stress in my life, and this makes me think i have a big ole fear lurking somewhere in my depths that i really need to deal with. like, now.

so the gist of my (long, sorry) spiel is, i get to go on an amazing vacation (in eight months...frick) and the whole planning of it has brought to light a number of personal issues, in particular, the fact that i am not happy with my present career situation, both the substance and especially the pay, and it is affecting every other aspect of my life. i feel like i have spent a huge portion of my time on earth struggling with this very issue, and i am tired of it. i job-hop (and city-hop, no denying it) like mad, which purportedly is the definition of insanity, correct? (doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, something like that.) makes sense. i do feel like i am going insane to an extent, and it's wearing on me BIG TIME. i much prefer to use my knowledge to support myself financially. hmm. how to go about that? i just need to find that spark within me and start fanning it, then take the plunge. to be continued...