ennui

i am experiencing major boredom. my job transfer to Phoenix went through, my last day in the office is 12/9, and consequently, nobody wants to give me billable work. or any work, for that matter. so i sit here and study my leed reference guide with great hopes that i will actually take the test before i leave california...and in the meantime charge the hell out of my company's overhead account. pitiful. but i cannot emotionally afford to care at this point.

i did, however, have a great weekend. i drove the mini w/ bike down to los gatos very early saturday morning and rode demo forest with the south bay-ers for the first time in a long time. highland road washed out, but was recently rebuilt. don't think i've accessed those trails for at least two years, and wow, i forgot how fun they are! we rode braille trail. i think i've stepped up my riding this past year because the trail, although fun, seemed very easy and short. that makes me feel good because i have a 24-hour race in february, and i don't want to ride much more than i already do. afterwards i met up with karen, benjamin, carolyn, foster, amalia, julia, sophia, and cyrus for lunch at a pizza joint. super fun! and then i drove home and literally fell onto the sofa and passed out by 9pm. i love those saturday nights when i'm drained...i sleep so well.

so the mini is doing well. despite her tail light being punched in a couple weeks ago, the electrical tape is holding very well (no moisture seepage) and most people don't even notice anything is wrong with the light, so i decided to save my cash and wait for someone to rear-end me. that way insurance will pay for the tail light. either than or i'll wait until the cost of parts goes down to something reasonable. i bought the mini protective film for her headlights, front bumper, and hood...a temporary clear bra, whatever you want to call it, for her roadtrip to AZ. i don't want to risk paint chips so early. she also has a new sunshade. i filled her tank for the first time today. first time i EVER had fun filling up a gas tank...and it was premium!

oh, and i was just driving along the freeway this weekend and looked down at the speedometer and...holy crap...was nearly at 90mph. my jetta would have been coughing up a lung at that point so i didn't notice i was going so fast. the mini is a speed demon!

consolation prize

prop 8 passed. unreal. i felt so bad that i went out and bought myself a new car. yes, here it is, folks!!! my little turbo chili pepper, a 2009 mini cooper s...


the thing has a radio, windshield wipers, tires with tread, and a gas cap that closes...super fancy! even comes with a hunky car payment financed by BMW, which i actually like (???). my next car will be a beemer, so i think of these payments as "establishing credit." hey, anything helps me deal. notice how pale i am after signing all those signatures on pieces of paper that kept being thrown at me. (i actually had to sign something stating i would not put chains on the car when going into the snow or my warranty would be voided. i have to use cables instead! how unfortunate.) notice also how long my hair is getting...already! (i'm getting it cut even SHORTER on friday. pixie, perhaps?)

so what happened to the jetta, you ask? i traded her in for a measly $1043. but she really was a wreck considering all she's been through over the past ten years. scraped wheels and a dinged-up body. no radio. manual windows. stick shift. side mirror duct-taped onto the body. i noticed something hanging from her underbelly as i drove into the lot, scraping the ground. it really was a sad site, so i should feel fortunate i got anything for her. can you imagine, i bought her right when i moved to cali, right before i started AMD. what a great car, though. she was truly the only stability i had during those ten years. all the moving i did, she moved me. all the traveling i did, she was there when i got back, battery juiced up and all. all my drives to the snow and trailheads, she made that fun happen. hell, she lasted WAY longer than any man in my life! much less maintenance, too. hehe. :)

desperately seeking hobbies

i walked over to the trader joe's at lake merritt today to grab some fish. i was advised during my "pulse reading" this morning at the farmers market that i need to "build up my blood" with omega-3, so i took heed and went for a walk. along the way, i stumbled upon the prop 8 opponents that have diligently occupied our street corners for the past week, but then i also noticed some different signs out there. wait, could those be...the PRO-ponents? they DO exist! (for non-cali folk, prop 8 is denying same sex couples the right to legally marry.) yes folks, the 'yes' signs and the 'no' signs were all over the place today. horns were honking. people were yelling at each other. the cops showed up. frankly, i was expecting a riot to break out. the energy was ripe for one! but something much more interesting was going on, which was my reaction to those 'yes' signs. usually i am all for other peoples' opinions and free speech and whatnot, as long as you're not hurting anyone or yourself, etc. but those people holding those 'yes' signs really upset me! they didn't piss me off as much as they truly disturbed me. (did i mention that 75% of them were under the age of 18?) these people were OOZING hatred. walking past them, i literally felt the negative vibes pinching me. it was quite frightening. so i ask them: why do you care so much what other people do with their lives? are you that bored? do you feel that allowing others to marry will diminish YOUR marriage or your parents' marriage? and then why do you care so much what other people think? that is giving someone else a lot of power over your life. why go there?

basically, i have renamed this prop the "i am bored and think your life is more interesting than mine so i am going to butt into your business and be a control freak and tell you what you can and cannot do, even if that means taking away your fundamental rights." but i don't think that would fit on one of those little signs, so maybe just "butt out."

en route

holy cow! the mini is en route. it is at this moment partying on the atlantic with "its brothers amidst buffets while adapting to its sea-legs," something like that. i am getting choked up about my little jetta. i feel like i am cheating on her. can i just keep BOTH cars???

the magical creation box

i did chop my hair. (see photo.) i love it. i feel like i can breathe and i feel less antsy...i don't want to punch something now. well, except for that coworker who called me "fuzzyhead" today.

i am currently reading one of "those" Abraham books, this one titled 'ask and it is given.' i kind of like it, and am actually buying into a lot of the content. if anything, it's helped me become more intentional and appreciative of what's going on in my life. the authors have 22 processes listed in the book to increase your vibrational energy level, which is apparently the key to attracting what you desire, which can be "anything." cool. one of the processes is called "the magical creation box," which goes like this. let's say you can have ANYTHING (which apparently, you can), and whatever it is that you want, rip a picture of it out of a magazine or write it down on a piece of paper or mentally place the damn thing into this pretty little box that you can go pick up at the local Michael's or Target or wherever. this physical affirmation tells the universe what it is that you want, and as long as you do not resist this thing or person or feeling from entering your life, as long as you expect it to come to you, it will manifest. so here's the question: what would YOU put into your magical creation box? a fast car? a new home? a fresh relationship with a hollywood hottie? a safari vacation? 10 million bucks in your bank account?! better health? new friends? world peace? what do you want? i think that is an especially tough question when you believe you will get all you ask for.

chop chop

i am getting my hair chopped tomorrow. it's been years! i used to sport the bleached white pixie, which came right before the blue-black betty page do. i think there was bright red and a little purple in the mix as well. stripes? definitely. (saved those for my college graduation, along with the frighteningly high combat boots that still hang out in my closet. total keepers.) i used to have fun with my hair. hairstyles were so spontaneous to me, they flowed with my emotions. the bank account couldn't keep up, so one would occasionally find me in front of the mirror cutting my own hair just to make it choppy. all my bath towels were stained with hair dye. my hairstyle reflected my personality "way back then." now, i sport a ponytail (or more like a bun, or a "ball" of some sort, because i'm too lazy to even pull my massive amounts of hair completely through the hairband). sure, it's convenient, but it's annoying. and boring. and TOTALLY NOT ME. and i shed everywhere. a ponytail. how sixth grade can i get?! and never mind i still look like i'm in the sixth grade. in fact, i am so bothered by this ponytail, i feel like it inhibits me. i want to throw up my arms and run around in circles and scream and hit something!!! ARGH!!!!! so tomorrow, chop chop. i cannot WAIT! i am tempted to get that pixie cut, but we'll see what i feel at the moment...

upchuck

i just learned that my new mini cooper s (yes, the "s" is mui importante) has been scheduled for production. i feel sick. this leads me investigate my inner self a bit. why do i feel like i want to throw up? (note how profound that question is.) i have wanted a new car for a while. my beloved jetta is starting fall apart, cough up her lung, burn oil and gas like there's no tomorrow (well, there won't be if we keep the republicans in office)...and we've had great adventures over the past nearly TEN years, holy crap! so yeah, a new car seems logical. and i work hard. i think i'm pretty kickass. so i deserve a new car, one i actually want, right? so i dropped the ball and went for the fun-loving enviro-friendly turbo city car. it doesn't take up much space. it doesn't use much gas. it drives like a banshee from hell. all a girl could want in here car. so why do i feel so BAD?!!!

turns out (this all became apparent to me last night while chatting it up with a dear friend about my bare walls) that i hate to spend money. i get a paycheck and it goes into savings, or my 401k, or my pension, or my mutual fund, or my IRA, or stocks...now i'm looking at CDs. and yet today, i am wearing shoes that are literally falling apart at the seams. i still wear clothing i bought when i started work at AMD. no joke! i even look for deals on my bikes, which i play with ALL THE TIME. you'd think i would at least splurge there. (and yeah, that camelback, it's going on eight years old. i did replace the bladder a few month ago, however.) so what's up with my attachment to money? is it the security? is it the fact i like to put money above THINGS? am i saving for something?

and then there is the fact that i have learned i associate bare walls in a home with poverty. this occurred to me last night when it literally flew out of my mouth that my life feels so temporary, like i am a perpetual student! i have realized it's because i don't splurge on nice things for my home. my walls are bare, which is a big one. nothing feels cozy. most of my furniture comes from ikea, a company with a mission to keep people buying crap so they make all their products disposable, i.e. TEMPORARY. no wonder i have such a hard time growing roots!

all this being said, i have decided to splurge on myself a bit. i am going to buy a sweet table lamp, a very yin, cozy table lamp. i am going to purchase one piece of expensive art that makes me feel WONDERFUL and plaster it on my living room wall so i can revel in its majestic size (if nothing else) every time i walk through my front door. i will purchase pottery for all my plants. i will buy a new pair of shoes and a new pair of jeans (to replace my favorite pair which now have holes in the knees that i refuse to throw away...well, they're going in the trash, baby!). and finally, i am going to feel GREAT about purchasing my new car.

so, back to work so i can afford to pay for all this stuff...hmm.